I Am Afraid Of Hookups

I like to pretend that I know what you want 

because it makes me feel better

so when "the girls" ask about you, I say "I want to be with him and I know he wants to be with me, but he can't, his friends won't let him" 

I am a book, I started as storybook and I'll grow into literature. 

I am the book and you stole me from the library, you can't let anyone know you have it but you don't want to give it back.

You stole me because the librarians told you "it was a bad idea to check out a book like that" 

You just couldn't resist the plot .......

But I'm disappointed in my own plot twists, they destroyed you. I hate the guy I left you for.

But I bet your glad that I can finally say it out loud.

I left on you and

I hate myself for it

It was my fault 

I was a the author of an unpopular self published paperback book

And when you were on vacation 

I let him peruse my skin like a magazine 

He didn't even read the fine print 

He barely read the front cover 

He just skimmed my pages and tore my edges 

Because I didn't have enough of a spine to say I will not be his magazine, there is so much more to me

You treated me like a number one best seller book of the year 

you read my chapters like you needed to write a research paper 

You highlighted you're favorite parts and underlined the important details.

Your guilty pleasure

Although there were better and longer books, but you secretly kept rereading me, threatening to eventually return me. 

You're hiding me, 

You're hiding me bc you're ashamed of me.

                      understandable. 

I'm just a jumble of recycled paper covered in jotted down one-liners. 

You weren't treating me like the poetry I was made up of 

(and maybe that's karma) 

BUT I am SO sick of the mantra "actions speak louder than words"

BECAUSE IF YOU WERE ABLE TO LET YOUR WORDS SPEAK LOUDER THAN YOUR ACTIONS FOR ONCE

AND TOLD ME YOU DIDNT WANT TO RETURN ME WE WOULDN'T BE IN THIS MESS 

It takes two to tango so don't blame it all on me, 

Partner, 

Co-author.

I now know I am not JUST a book, I am not an object you can just keep on a shelf or under your bed for later. (Yeah, it took me some time to realize my worth, but time heals all wounds and trees were cut down to make me so I guess I'm pretty damn special)

You didn't buy me, you stole me from the library and others want the chance read me, but you refuse to return me. You don't want me, but you don't want anyone else to have me, but you don't really have me.

I can see you want what you can't have so you're lying when you tell me you want my friendship. Because no one steals a book they only "like" and BABY PLEASE TELL ME WHATS PLATONIC ABOUT THE WAY YOUR HANDS GRIP MY HIPS AND WHILE YOU'RE GOING IN FOR A KISS.

Please just tell me what this is because I don't you don't believe in friends with benefits. If you're going to leave, stay gone and forget my title.

When you're kissing me you tell I'm perfect 

BUT 

If I'm so perfect why did you leave me 

 (I mean I know why you left me but) 

Don't tell me something that isn't true just to set the mood,

Calling me to get some booty

Don't get me wrong I'm just a little bit moody 

There's nothing wrong with a little bit of booty (when you're in the moody).

It just hurts because I know it'll never be the same and you only think I'm perfect in regards to my body frame. After that last night we spent together I didn't want to wash my hair or change my shirt because it smelt like YOU. I haven't changed my sheets because they smell like US and when I lay in bed I can feel YOU.

You're the only boy I know who's ok with just cuddling if we're in a bedroom and I should admit I appreciate that. 

I am so grateful that the one last hickey you gave me faded BECAUSE I DONT WANT TO THINK ABOUT THE WAY THE GROOVES OF YOUR LIPS FEEL ON MY SKIN.

I'd rather ignore the places where you used to kiss me.

(my neck, my forehead, my shoulder, and my lips)

I don't want to think about how the last time we made out you kissed me on the forehead when you were "done" 

And checked your feed and wrote a new tweet and ignored me 

I DONT WANT TO THINK ABOUT HOW YOU'RE NOT THINKING ABOUT ME

Well now I'M DONE

I'm done being your secret, so you don't "kick up dust" 

I'm sick of picking up dust on your shelf 

 I am sick of being your second option, I'm sick of being you're hookup. 

Just because you care about me doesn't mean I'm not just a hookup.

I just want to feel ok again. 

So leave me be and stop rereading my poetry. I wrote it all for you, but soon you'll be someone else's poetry and I wasted my time missing you.

And that's why I'm afraid of hookups